4.27.2008

Just Off the Climax

Honey, I need to vent like the need for a cigarette after mind-blowing sex...I warn you this is shallow and probably pointless like many a celebrity escapade ala (fill in your preferred talentless 20-something "star")

Life has culminated thus far to the mellow, relaxed point I'd been hoping for...finally peace between the parents and I, finally a relationship that doesn't channel Lifetime network drama, and finally almost finished with school which has it's own bundle of stress in tow...

And then the extras...stress, Stress, and more STRESS, severe sleep deficits, gains of perspective as well as weight, and an ugly $10K credit card debit from the last 5 years of living in the city that never sleeps, runs out of good liquor or good times...Good liquor and good times, now that's what's led me here at almost 4 o'clock in the morning...online blogging, my last pathetic attempt to purge my dirtied mind...or just vent because it feels good to.

In a way life in the early 20s has been interesting but fast...if I could do it over again...honey, I WOULD...and I'd take more pictures, I'd learn to be less cold and nonchalant, I'd waste less time with certain people and maybe even call back a few intentionally lost numbers...In the struggle for balance between work, school, and all that comes in between, like many, substantial energy has been lost to relationships - learning about men, and more so learning about myself with men. Men are easy...well let's not generalize and call them all sluts now. I'll say most men are easy. This much I've learned from my beloved city and it's plethora of singles scenes. They are not without their wits or game or whatever they like to think they bring to the table. We all know the bottom line and it's fun to watch the scrimmage to get to that line.

After awhile though, it becomes predictable...it becomes boring. It became boring for me after about my first 6 months of the club scene. Maybe it was because of the frequency of the girls' nights out but mostly because the men all seem to be reading the same stupid book that works on the girls from Girls Gone Wild but not on women who have the mind to see patterns among approaches. Now I'm just boring the subject...sorry...let's get back to it, shall we? Sex is fun, don't get me wrong, but I've become extremely picky, pissed off, and bored more easily and it's a very bad thing...The men who know how to do it are cocky as hell, the men who think they know how to do it DON'T, and then there's the horrible pool of men who are insecure and need their egos and their dicks stroked at the same time - SPARE ME...Get in fucking shape, if you can't last a good 30 minutes or more then you don't deserve to have a dick to use

So background stories we'll get into at later postings but right now, it's about last night, right now, it's about the wonderful relationship I acknowledge I am putting on the line with my indecisive, juvenile behavior. Years of relationships, dates, random hook-ups, because I damn well felt like it, have contributed to the growing numbness that I have to moving on from tortuous feelings and all that lovers' angst shit and exploring new options or just enjoying time on my own...there's always the stresses of medical school to distract me from any heartbreaking bastard anyway...All of this has led up to some fucked up logic...which some may call the frank absence of logic...I just don't know

So anyway, finally I meet the guy with seemingly all the right personality traits and compatibility I need, but the catch is (or catches are), he has a crazy mother who's nice in person but not in stories, he sometimes reverts to giving up the fight/pulls the guilt trip card (i.e. acts like a stereotypical woman), he half-asses efforts to complete school and excuses them with the "I'm tired" card which should not exist in the first place. The first 1.5 I can deal with, the last one is completely, utterly, unequivocally UNACCEPTABLE...It's inherent in my personality and preferred way of life to finish your shit, own up to responsibilities, and treat people like you want to be treated. Do not excuse your lack of a college degree because you made one call to a school and got no reply. Do not think you can pull guilt trip cards left and right and out your ass like I care because I don't have time for that crap and I don't do that to people because I don't want anyone doing that to me! It just makes sense. So there's my guy, I love him, love to hate him, but he's loyal as hell and he knows what's going on in my head before I say it. I'd like to give him the time to see what he does but I cannot extend time just like I cannot help feelings from developing or changing or whatever. It's a very bad thing but what to do...

This is what I end up doing...going out...for the first time in a looooong time and then comes the goose and the patron and the SoCo limes and then comes CR...CR, the friend of a friend of my best friend...intrigued by my biracial appearance at an all Asian party, CR subsequently gives me his business card...2 hours later drunk me texts CR a greeting, CR texts back, appears at just the right time to conveniently give me a lift home...The situation appears innocent enough...in my head "thanks friend of a friend for saving me $30 in cab fare," in reality, CR goes for my free hand while he drives, starts with the soft touch and casual conversation...getting to know you act I, you know the whole schpeal...he tells me he's happy he ran into me again before the party ended because he didn't get the chance to give me his card when he wanted to...I'm thinking this is ridiculous, all we talked about during our 30 sec intro was my ethnicity and then I went to grind on my friends and probably he did the same with whoever face...So I'm thinking...

Very bad thing: Why am I holding hands, laughing, flirting, having nice pleasant conversations with CR while Mr. unknowingly sleeps through the night thinking "my wonderful loyal girlfriend is out with her friends for some girly fun"...even more bad things...the light turns red, a pause in conversation, I turn towards him for to say thank you again for the 4th time and then it happens, the kiss, the very perfectly sensual kiss...almost too perfect, it makes me feel drunk to kiss CR...his lips wrapped around mine just so and strikingly memorable for a kiss now that I think about it...The light turns green...kiss over...relief, anxiety, craving...what the fuck am I doing? I cannot be the playerette right now, I cannot explore options...that kiss was amazing, hello, but what the fuck stupid girl...this is me in my head at 5AM tipsy/drunk/the usual unrestrained version...And then we finally get to my block and the session begins...he looks at me, leans in, touches my face just so, and I dive into the caresses and perfect kisses and grabbing and moans, heavy breathing...and I think to myself...when was the last time making out with anyone this hot and feverish? this sex-filled but without the actual sex?! this hunger to consume each other, it was so foreign to me...and then I think, what the fuck are you doing? you need to go home, you need stop making out with this hot successful man, you need to text your boyfriend that you are home and go to fucking sleep you whore...this is me in my head...

And now I'm here, letting it out for all of you to read and criticize because I have no clue what to do with this anymore...it's in my head because I feel guilty and I can't say anything about it...it's taboo no matter how old or young you are OR I could just possibly be blowing the whole situation out of proportion and it really isn't that serious...

So everything ends up being a mess in my mind, I have no idea how to go about it, organize it, throw it out, I just don't know. It's a very bad thing this disorganized animal inside me, that usually sits quietly next to the neat, loyal, determined medical student inside me...until some alcohol or toy prods it on to enjoy and balance out the completely nerdy oppression of attempting to become a physician...And that may also be why I can't figure this shit out because I'm completely overloaded with school and the responsibilities that await me...Time to be 23 and careless and make mistakes with naive or conniving boys? I don't think so.


Thanks